What I’m currently being patient about…

I am old. Okay, 39. Boyfriend just turned 35.  I am the oldest of three. He is an only child.  He also hadn’t dated in a few years before he met me, so it’s been all about him for a very long time. Herein lies our problem.  He’s not used to thinking about anyone else. And it’s pissing me off.

I work in Corporate America where people who make 3x’s what I make ask me how to use the copier. My whole life is thinking about other people, managing other people’s schedules. And I suppose I thought, when you care about someone and declare those feelings and decide that you want to have a relationship with that person, that that person’s thoughts and needs sort of wrap into yours and become considered. Apparently 35 yrs of single-mindedness takes more than 2 months to work itself out.

I am working hard on being patient and letting him do the work. If I have to constantly push him to go where I want this to go, then it’s not US moving forward, it’s me pushing him. At least that’s how it seems in my mind. This is our second go-round. He asked for a second chance and said he would do the work, so I am trying to let that happen. Am I allowed to complain that the work isn’t getting done in MY timeline? No?

I found someone I like and I want to spend time with. Lots of time with. I met someone who has a lot of stuff going on. Full time work, two classes, his mother lives two hours away and she likes to see him often. There’s a lot of things pulling at his time and attention and I don’t want to be yet another nag. At the same time….. I am dating someone I feel deeply about, who says he feels deeply about me and yet I spend so much time at home. By myself. Yes, I have a life and I hang out with friends and do random things but when those things are all done and taken care of, I want to spend some time with my honey. What is the sense in dating someone but I spend prime dating time at home or trying to fill the time with friends? Fuck hobbies, I want to see my damn boyfriend.

So my newest nit is that I have to ask him about his plans for the weekend and when I am going to see him. He doesn’t request my time. He tells me when he can fit me in. I DO NOT LIKE THAT.

He said to me, well I need to fix my car this weekend. I was going to see you Saturday morning.

Dude……you can keep your leftovers. I’m supposed to get up early to see and spend time with you for a few hours? All weekend? Me no happy.

I don’t know. A lot of days I feel like we could last forever. But a LOT of days I wonder if I shouldn’t just jump back into the pool, find someone who has his shit together and some time for me.

I WANT THIS TO WORK.

But I can’t be the only one working.

I KNOW I NEED TO BE PATIENT AND NOT RUSH IT.

But what if we’re moving at a snails pace toward nothing?

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