Nada

I haven’t updated here because NOTHING is happening. I’m getting a few messages here and there but mostly tire kicking… I am guessing to see if I am interesting enough. Or whatever. Clearly I’m not and I’m okay with that right now. 

I am still trying to aim high… I look at every profile before I even read the message. You can tell a lot about a person by the profile, and some people I just don’t even want to talk to, let alone meet. Profiles full of arrogance or anger; lonely, forlorn or morose tone; ALL CAPS MESSAGES THAT SEEM TO BE DIRECTED TOWARD A CERTAIN PERSON, SO WHY NOT JUST MESSAGE THEM? ; and the usual very picky and overly busy. Cull from that the ones that seem okay but not sure how they have two pennies to rub together, let alone can afford to meet me at Chops for lunch and the ones that want children and have failed to read the part of my profile where I explicitly stated that I do NOT. 

Outisde of that, there’s not much to offer. Every once in awhile a nice one slides through, but he’s been through so many women here that he’s shell shocked and can’t get up the nerve to move past messages on the site and quick phone calls. I don’t have much use for this guy either. If I have to make all of the moves, what are YOU doing? Nah. I’m sure you’re nice though, so call me when you grow a pair. 

So I am frustrated. I guess it will happen when it happens….or some other blase saying I hate to hear from other people. 

No More Jermaine’s

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Remember when Janet Jackson was dating Jermaine Dupri and everyone was all, “what in the entire fuck???’ because Janet was this beautiful singer/actress/iconic member of the Jackson family and Jermaine Dupri, though successful in his own right, was…well I won’t be rude but let’s just say they didn’t ‘match’. And it didn’t make sense for her to be with him because they didn’t ‘match’. Not physically- if I remember right, she was taller. He was saggy jeans and boots, she was couture dresses and Louboutins.

While there is a bit of truth and allure to the thought of Opposites Attract, it’s a bit more than that to me. The relationship bugged me because it seemed like Jermaine was not enough for Janet, like she went for him for some arbitrary reason (because she could get him? because maybe he would work harder because he knew he wasn’t a good match for her?) and stayed with him for reasons only they know. Maybe they did manage to fall in love and build some semblance of a relationship, but I’m looking at Janet’s new husband and I’m thinking…..yeah. That’s her match.

That bit of rambling nonsense is how I am feeling about dating right now. I’ve always gone for the common and average man. I don’t mind a blue collar man at all, at least he’s working, he’s out there taking care of business. I’ve never minded a busy man because I know a man will make time for what’s important to him. And really, this is true. I was not important to the last three men I have tried to date and that was readily apparent.

Over the years I have honed and whittled my must have list down to ‘job, teeth and hair’ so it stands to reason that while I claim to be picky, I’m really just hitting the bottom layer of Acceptable. Not stellar, not outstanding, not ‘over the moon’ anything. Just acceptable. I’ve found myself with these average men (and I don’t mean average in a rude, bad way… just a general round the way guy) and I’m having average experiences and average relationships and average breakups.

I feel like I need to aim higher and this is what I am training myself on right now. It’s hard to be such a stickler when you’re staring down the barrel of 40 but hell… like I said, I already named my Old Lady Cats. Being alone doesn’t suck half as much as being stuck with the person that isn’t right for you. Yesterday, one of my friends told me ‘stay picky. And I’m dead serious about that’  and how odd that she should give that advice because as picky as I’ve told myself I was, I was still letting certain things slide through. Not anymore.

At this point in my life I am looking for something real and long lasting. I’m 39. I can’t date like I am 19 or 22. It doesn’t take me long to figure out if a person is someone I want to get to know more, and I need to trust my gut more and realize that I always know, right off. I need to act on that and not second guess myself and not feel like I might miss out on someone wonderful by being picky.

I’m really busy. Next. I’m not looking to squeeze someone into my schedule and I don’t want to be sandwiched between whatever obligations you’ve booked yourself into. These really really busy types rarely have wiggle room in the schedule and I know myself enough to know a relationship can’t subsist on scraps of time. Especially if I have to beg for them.

I work nights, weekends and Holidays.  Not an option. I’m only available nights and weekends. When did you think we might date? 3 am on Saturday? Nah.

I work 38 jobs, 12 of which are out of town. I also have a young child I raise on my own and I live with my sick aunt. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO DATE???

Lonely, I’m so lonely, why won’t anyone date me? All you black women are the same! You all want a thug but when a nice guy comes along…... Dude. Yo. I mean…. come on.  First of all, step back and take a look at yourself. If I can tell that you’re lonely, you’re trying way too hard. You’re also pathetic. And I’m also talking to myself. I want being with me to be a choice because I seem right for you. I’m more than a warm body and we will fizzle quickly if you have no driving reason to want to get to know me. Also, all that negativity? Not attractive. Desperation? Not attractive. No one wants that.

So I said all that to say……I’m aiming high. I used to always go for the ‘average’ guys because I felt average or less than. I’ve worked on myself, I’ve made some changes and I’m trying not to feel like certain men are out of my league, not my match, wouldn’t be interested in me. That’s not to say that I want to date a CEO, but I’m done looking for the men that are most likely to be grateful to be with me. No more Jermaine’s. Let’s get us a mogul. Let’s find a match.

“We had a nice dinner and then we broke up…”

Which is essentially what happened.

Boyfriend turned 35 and I took him to dinner. Nevermind that when my birthday rolled around, nothing was done for me. I was sick that weekend and he brought me some chicken strips and hung out with me. I suppose the gift of his time was my present, considering that was one of the last times we truly hung out.

Anyhoo, we went to dinner, back to my house and had a nice time. And then as per usual, the weekend was creeping up and my time wasn’t being requested. He wasn’t being busy but making sure we could see each other at least once. He seemed perfectly cool with going the entire weekend not seeing each other. Mind you, we don’t see each other M-Thurs because of his classes and labs. By the time the weekend hits, why are you not pacing my front porch on Friday night waiting to see me?

I dunno. But I keep meeting this guy. And I don’t know if it’s them or me. But since it keeps happening the same way, I’m inclined to think it is me.

Maybe my standards are too high.

Maybe I require more time than a woman in her late 30’s looking for more than a roll in the hay and a ‘hey thanks girl’ should require.

Maybe I’m nuts and I drive them away.

I have no clue because I don’t get  debrief. ‘Here’s what you did that made me not want to hang out with you: A,B C; X,Y,Z.”  They just disappear. Fade away.

So the title is what I told my work friend. We went out to dinner. And then we broke up. There was, of course, more involved… a few long text convos. A request to call me so we could talk it out. A refusal to call.

And no call since.

So I am done. I’m happy I never slept with him. I don’t really miss him. How could I? We were hardly ever together.

I’ve gathered all my wit and charm and put an ad up at POF. Ya’ll know the place. I really hate EHarmony (I think it’s a scam and not any better at matching. Some of the men there don’t need to pay $60 a month to be matched by a 200 point questionnaire. They need THERAPY. GAH.) I am not a big fan of match and as Sarah recently found out, you can never ever delete your profile from match. Really? Wow that’s just fantastic. That’s how they can brag that they have 60million people on their site.

Match.com- you can check out but you can never leave.

So yeah, POF. I was immediately emailed by a guy I went out with once. He was unkempt, his breath reeked, and he spent all of dinner complaining about one thing or another. I refused to go out with him again and he’s been trying to get me to go out again ever since. Sir? Sir. No. Give it up.

Let us see what this round of Adventures in Online Dating brings. I’ve already sunk to the depths of shallow– I got a message, looked at the photo, read the profile, didn’t even read the message. No interest in what he had to say, I knew I would never meet him.

I’m totally being picky this time, I told my bestie. Don’t live anywhere near me? NOPE. Kids? NOPE. NegativeNed profile? NO! I’m looking for chemistry and a connection and I am tired of being understanding and gracious. I want what I want when I want it……..or I don’t want it at all.

Me and Bestie have already named our Old Lady Cats. We ain’t scared o’ nothin’.