Practicing patience

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I don’t know if I mentioned this before (or maybe I have, six or seven times) but patience is a struggle for me. If I am going to have it, I want it, I want it now, I want it the way I want it and if I can’t have it that way then I don’t want it. That’s not a very mature outlook on life, for the most part.

While my inability to take Later for an answer has brought me some great things, it smacks of a Veruca Salt a la Willy Wonka attitude and mentality that I don’t associate with myself. I have never (hardly ever) thrown a tantrum to get my way. If the true answer really is Later, then I have to accept that. I’ve not been able to use my feminine wiles to move things forward in a more rapid fashion, but if it’s something I want, guaran-damn-teed that I will work diligently to get it as soon as humanly possible.

Take my weight loss surgery for example. The time span from deciding to go with the surgery (knowing that I would be paying for it myself) to scheduling surgery was about a week. Seriously. One Thursday I was pushing the GO button and the next Thursday I had my surgery date. And by the following Monday I had been approved for the loan to pay for it. Years ago I decided to buy a car. In three days I had a new car.

I’m not one for waiting, especially when it doesn’t make sense to. You know you want to do it, so do it. Whatcha waitin’ for?

Today I am waiting. Because. Because I think it’s best for me to sit back and let this process play out right now. I can’t continue to be the one working and pushing and pulling while he sits back and ‘lets it happen to him’. Besides, if there is no effort from the other side, and I’m watching actions, he’s telling me everything I need to hear: he’s looking for something easy and for someone to do all the work, to prep the entire situation and for him to effortlessly step into it.

Honey, there is nothing effortless about being with me.

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What I’m currently being patient about…

I am old. Okay, 39. Boyfriend just turned 35.  I am the oldest of three. He is an only child.  He also hadn’t dated in a few years before he met me, so it’s been all about him for a very long time. Herein lies our problem.  He’s not used to thinking about anyone else. And it’s pissing me off.

I work in Corporate America where people who make 3x’s what I make ask me how to use the copier. My whole life is thinking about other people, managing other people’s schedules. And I suppose I thought, when you care about someone and declare those feelings and decide that you want to have a relationship with that person, that that person’s thoughts and needs sort of wrap into yours and become considered. Apparently 35 yrs of single-mindedness takes more than 2 months to work itself out.

I am working hard on being patient and letting him do the work. If I have to constantly push him to go where I want this to go, then it’s not US moving forward, it’s me pushing him. At least that’s how it seems in my mind. This is our second go-round. He asked for a second chance and said he would do the work, so I am trying to let that happen. Am I allowed to complain that the work isn’t getting done in MY timeline? No?

I found someone I like and I want to spend time with. Lots of time with. I met someone who has a lot of stuff going on. Full time work, two classes, his mother lives two hours away and she likes to see him often. There’s a lot of things pulling at his time and attention and I don’t want to be yet another nag. At the same time….. I am dating someone I feel deeply about, who says he feels deeply about me and yet I spend so much time at home. By myself. Yes, I have a life and I hang out with friends and do random things but when those things are all done and taken care of, I want to spend some time with my honey. What is the sense in dating someone but I spend prime dating time at home or trying to fill the time with friends? Fuck hobbies, I want to see my damn boyfriend.

So my newest nit is that I have to ask him about his plans for the weekend and when I am going to see him. He doesn’t request my time. He tells me when he can fit me in. I DO NOT LIKE THAT.

He said to me, well I need to fix my car this weekend. I was going to see you Saturday morning.

Dude……you can keep your leftovers. I’m supposed to get up early to see and spend time with you for a few hours? All weekend? Me no happy.

I don’t know. A lot of days I feel like we could last forever. But a LOT of days I wonder if I shouldn’t just jump back into the pool, find someone who has his shit together and some time for me.

I WANT THIS TO WORK.

But I can’t be the only one working.

I KNOW I NEED TO BE PATIENT AND NOT RUSH IT.

But what if we’re moving at a snails pace toward nothing?