No More Jermaine’s

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Remember when Janet Jackson was dating Jermaine Dupri and everyone was all, “what in the entire fuck???’ because Janet was this beautiful singer/actress/iconic member of the Jackson family and Jermaine Dupri, though successful in his own right, was…well I won’t be rude but let’s just say they didn’t ‘match’. And it didn’t make sense for her to be with him because they didn’t ‘match’. Not physically- if I remember right, she was taller. He was saggy jeans and boots, she was couture dresses and Louboutins.

While there is a bit of truth and allure to the thought of Opposites Attract, it’s a bit more than that to me. The relationship bugged me because it seemed like Jermaine was not enough for Janet, like she went for him for some arbitrary reason (because she could get him? because maybe he would work harder because he knew he wasn’t a good match for her?) and stayed with him for reasons only they know. Maybe they did manage to fall in love and build some semblance of a relationship, but I’m looking at Janet’s new husband and I’m thinking…..yeah. That’s her match.

That bit of rambling nonsense is how I am feeling about dating right now. I’ve always gone for the common and average man. I don’t mind a blue collar man at all, at least he’s working, he’s out there taking care of business. I’ve never minded a busy man because I know a man will make time for what’s important to him. And really, this is true. I was not important to the last three men I have tried to date and that was readily apparent.

Over the years I have honed and whittled my must have list down to ‘job, teeth and hair’ so it stands to reason that while I claim to be picky, I’m really just hitting the bottom layer of Acceptable. Not stellar, not outstanding, not ‘over the moon’ anything. Just acceptable. I’ve found myself with these average men (and I don’t mean average in a rude, bad way… just a general round the way guy) and I’m having average experiences and average relationships and average breakups.

I feel like I need to aim higher and this is what I am training myself on right now. It’s hard to be such a stickler when you’re staring down the barrel of 40 but hell… like I said, I already named my Old Lady Cats. Being alone doesn’t suck half as much as being stuck with the person that isn’t right for you. Yesterday, one of my friends told me ‘stay picky. And I’m dead serious about that’  and how odd that she should give that advice because as picky as I’ve told myself I was, I was still letting certain things slide through. Not anymore.

At this point in my life I am looking for something real and long lasting. I’m 39. I can’t date like I am 19 or 22. It doesn’t take me long to figure out if a person is someone I want to get to know more, and I need to trust my gut more and realize that I always know, right off. I need to act on that and not second guess myself and not feel like I might miss out on someone wonderful by being picky.

I’m really busy. Next. I’m not looking to squeeze someone into my schedule and I don’t want to be sandwiched between whatever obligations you’ve booked yourself into. These really really busy types rarely have wiggle room in the schedule and I know myself enough to know a relationship can’t subsist on scraps of time. Especially if I have to beg for them.

I work nights, weekends and Holidays.  Not an option. I’m only available nights and weekends. When did you think we might date? 3 am on Saturday? Nah.

I work 38 jobs, 12 of which are out of town. I also have a young child I raise on my own and I live with my sick aunt. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO DATE???

Lonely, I’m so lonely, why won’t anyone date me? All you black women are the same! You all want a thug but when a nice guy comes along…... Dude. Yo. I mean…. come on.  First of all, step back and take a look at yourself. If I can tell that you’re lonely, you’re trying way too hard. You’re also pathetic. And I’m also talking to myself. I want being with me to be a choice because I seem right for you. I’m more than a warm body and we will fizzle quickly if you have no driving reason to want to get to know me. Also, all that negativity? Not attractive. Desperation? Not attractive. No one wants that.

So I said all that to say……I’m aiming high. I used to always go for the ‘average’ guys because I felt average or less than. I’ve worked on myself, I’ve made some changes and I’m trying not to feel like certain men are out of my league, not my match, wouldn’t be interested in me. That’s not to say that I want to date a CEO, but I’m done looking for the men that are most likely to be grateful to be with me. No more Jermaine’s. Let’s get us a mogul. Let’s find a match.

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Back on the market…

It’s like men don’t hear me when I tell them who I am what I want. Or maybe they hear me and try to be what they can’t be. I’m so tired of meeting this particular kind of man. The one that wants what he wants without having to do any work… the one that doesn’t know what he wants but pretends to want the same thing I want until he figures out that either he doesn’t want ‘that’ at all or he does want ‘that’ with me.

Either is cool…….just thanks for dragging me along for the ride, dude. Meanwhile I was trying to be open minded to something new with someone new and he turned out to be exactly the same as all the rest.

 So much BOOOO. 

I do not regret giving him a second chance. At least I know I gave it every effort. I never ask for more than I bring to the table. In the end, I expected more than he could give, which we both agreed was a reasonable amount of expectation. Unfortunately, even that reasonable amount is more than he can, or is willing, to bring to the table.